the love key

I'm starting to understand how important it is to love things in life in order to be productive. In the beginning of college I couldn't figure out anything that I really loved because I was so busy occupying myself by the "I should" way of life. My mom, who took up so much of my life was gone and I was left feeling empty. So I started doing all the things I thought was right. efficient. forward-thinking. I got a job to keep myself busy; I joined a business fraternity to make friends and learn about business; I studied for classes I didn't care for. I did this for three years and I don't think I ever was engaged in any of it.

Work was good because it gave me instant praise from my co-workers and I liked that; it made me feel like what I was doing wasn't a waste of time. But finally being able to breathe in my last two quarters at school after I dropped those commitments that were weighing me down has given me so much opportunities to find things I love. And I begin to realize that all the times I came home feeling productive after work was just me running faster in the wrong direction.
After a fall quarter of just cover letter haze, I secured a job, and felt free to discover myself now. I know that the things I've done in the past is what got me to the job, but I would argue that I could have done it differently and still be where I am. Or perhaps I'd be at a different place, but who is to say it wouldn't be better?

Life is hard, but the things you do should give you certain payoffs in the present.
living for:
The present (1 definite win, 1 chance of gain, 1 chance of loss)
The future (1 definite loss in present, 1 chance of gain, 1 chance of loss)
Winner: the present

Perhaps that was a convoluted way of saying that as college students right now, we have the luxury to do what we want, study what we want. The foundation of college is supposed to help you in the future and if you don't like it now, the chances of liking it in the future are slim jims. When you find something interesting, that is when you're about to push yourself to be better. Any field you go into, it's going to be hard. Sacrifices will be inevitable. Being lazy is untenable in any profession if you want to be great. I based so much of the last few years on things I thought I should do and got frustrated with myself for not wanting to do them. I thought study hard, work hard, and then party hard is the key to success but it's not. At least not for me. So I've finally decided to throw away this key since it hasn't been working for me and I'm seeing all the good things that have unlocked all by themselves. I'm trying to live life on a better balance between what I want to do and what I should do.

Even though I am stressed and anxious about this documentary I'm working on, when I actually get myself downtown, I love it. Even though I'm nervous going up to the people because I'm unsure of their reactions, I love when I can get people to open up and speak easily to me. And when my professor sees my work, I get nervous but excited too. Her approval means a lot to me. I'm definitely engaged and invested in making this good!